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feb 20, 2004 - 4:00 A.M. -- Tonight -- Crazy i.m.ing , phone and video all at once. Sending brand new mix to deep dish over the wireless - "Under A Disco" - chatting with a sexy friend, and phone calling. Sharam sent me a demo of a new PQM track-- amazing - dark-sexy - weird. I had to talk it out of him. I said: " I've been mixing for weeks---- how 'bout some candy?" Very sweet indeed. "And now I am under a disco--- because no one's as sweet as you are". There is finally a light at the end of it. I can see it and it feels good.

In the middle of it John Gorelski called - he said- "You looking at porn?" I said- "not yet" ---- We laughed. When ever I run spell check "Gorelski'" always triggers a change to "foreskin". It makes me smile. Everytime.

Making sense don't make any sense to me.

feb 19, 2004 Friendship - my buddy Joey had a theory that all relationships could be mathematically calculated. He believed that there were 5 reasons that you would be friends or involved with someone:

1. They were funny and entertaining.
2. Financial - work
3. Sexual
4. You learned from them
5.They would make you look better and or raise your status.

All of the people in Joey's life would receive points for each of these factors. If they fell below a certain total he would no longer hang with them. We used to rib him about this because it seemed so cold - but I've often thought about it since. I'm still tight with Joey- so I guess I'm still scoring some points. I know he is.

joey and some sailor (photo by Nan Goldin)

feb 18, 2004 -3:57 a.m.

How about a techno beat? All this rush about homo marriage is cool. For my money that's what its got to be: "marriage". Anything else foots only half the bill. Here's the rub: Its hard for me sometimes to care about the bigger picture. Sure, on a personal note, I would like to have the right to get married - it would in fact greatly simplify my life. I also wouldn't want to deny anyone who wanted this right. But I've always believed that some of the power of being a homo,and being part of homo culture, is in being outside of the loop. There's something powerful about being underground and oppressed. I think when you're on the bottom of society you ironically have a freedom that the mainstream will never know. When I was a kid and first found the homo culture of Boston in the late 70's it was other worldly. It was as if I had the keys to a party that the masses would never be invited. The clubs played great music and the thrill of being part of it was unequaled. If you look just at dance music and the impact that underground homo club culture had on it you'll get my point. In the 80's it expanded slightly with clubs like the Garage and The Saint. It still was a homo thing and not mainstream. Now with the masses all about the club scene , the homo club scene is about dead. There's virtually no life left to it except for worked out circuit boys to high to care about the music. I think you can draw the same parallels to Black culture and music as well. Some of the most mind blowing music came from black artists during a time period when they were the most oppressed (from early spirituals to blues to jazz to rock and roll to r+b and funk into disco to early hip hop)-- Now we have - well you get it. I'm using music as the ruler but it goes deeper than that.

I've romanticized the history a bit. I left out the suck of fag bashing, suicide, job loss, and drug addiction. I lived through that already. So - maybe a wedding is what we all need.

feb 16, 2004- 6:00 a.m. - Tonight I was reading lines from a one act play by Tony Kushner with Nick. Its a great play about a guy and his therapist. Music, movies, plays and fiction at their best try and relay the emotional changes and events we live through as human beings. Over the last 20 years the world around me has changed with all the self help - psycho talk show babble. Pop culture now leads us to believe that the communication of our emotional feelings and events in real time is the priority. I'm not sure this is a good thing. The Irish half of my background makes any personal communication to the people in my life next to impossible. I think this inability to express feelings is the core of being human - or at least - a guy . It seems to me that society is trying to soften all the natural male behaviors by making everyone more touchy feely. For sure there is some good in this - but is it all good? Will we be happier as a result? I'm not so sure - I think no matter what we say and do the human condition is a constant.

feb 15, 2004 -3:00 p.m.- Blowoff was fun last night . More of our regulars. My buddy John said it reminded him of going over to a friends basement and hanging out as kid. That's kind of the idea.

I'm a bit slow today- scanning the channels, drinking tea.

feb 15, 2004 - 4:45 a.m. - Human.

feb 13, 2004 -- I keep thinking about how much of my life is informed by my 70's suburban up bringing. When I was 10 the Loud family was on PBS, in what was the first reality tv show , An American Family. My mom's best friend Elaine would come down from up the street to watch the weekly show with my mom. They both would make all the kids in the neighborhood call them by their first names. Lucia and Elaine would smoke long thin cigarettes, read Vogue and sunbathe. They also did mom stuff but when they were together they were total chicks. It was the summer of 1973 and I was sure that my mom was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Anyway - I remember when Lance Loud told his folks he was gay on the American Family TV show. Its hard to imagine this now but this was a mind blowing thing for a guy to do in 1973. There was no representation of homos on TV anywhere. There was just gossip about Rock Hudson and stories that all homo's ended up dead like Sal Mineo.

Its hard to shake the repression that surrounds what you are as a kid even 30 years later. As much as I feel the need to push the ball that Lance Loud started rolling - I still think there's a chance I'll wind up like Sal Mineo.

The sexy part about the 70's was the fact that everything wasn't talked about. Today everyone wants to talk and show everything. I think a little repression makes sex sexier. The whole "Wow- I'm actually doing this " is the sexy part. . Now its like: "wow I'm doing this- is the camera rolling?". That's not sexy.

feb 12, 2004 - 3:53 a.m.

Blue is blue
And blue is in my head
You told the world
I tried to steal your bed
And now I’m under a disco
Because no one’s as sweet as you are
And if you want to go this low
Forget about raising your bar
Making sense don’t make any sense to me

feb 11, 2004 -- Spent all night with Deep Dish at their studio in Georgetown. I've been friends, worked, and argued with them for 8 years now. I think in Sharam's case that argument is instrumental in the bonding process. Its one of the things I like best about him. Ali tends to be more diplomatic. We had a good hour of political talks before music even came up.

When ever we are dealing with a mix or a record we always knock heads on the same theme- They get very centered on the details and I get wrapped around the vibe and song. Both of these ideas are important and at times over lap when making a record. That's why mixing a song and writing a song are two very different things. Sometimes tightness and production details can push a mediocre track over - just as a great song can surface through crap production. Its also why producing and mixing your own record is a tricky business. Its hard to separate vision and ego through out the process. That's where the guys come into the picture.

Its important to hear the ideas and then figure which of these ideas will in fact push the vision I have and which are in direct conflict with my vision. When you throw in the fact that we all have pretty big egos its a party.

The main thing is we're all in it together . Through the last 8 years we've managed to work, party, fight, travel, be friends and make some pretty tight records. That's cool with me.

feb 10, 2004 --

I just spoke with my buddy Jack about the artwork for my cd. He's a funny man- - For the cover we're going to use a painting he did- which is the bomb -He says that after hearing the record he has a vision for photos for the booklet as well. He wants to do some crisp and bright "Daddy" pics of yours truly. He feels that that is what needs to be pushed to the foreground- "its called Morel - that's what its about--slick pics- white background - you - just about naked - like that D'angelo video.. only more Morel....." He says all this with an old timey hollywood rhythm."Ya see kid - it's gonna be great - and they'll eat it up in Cleveland....." I love Jack ...but we'll see.

Jack's a sexy guy- and fairly persuasive. He floats between NYC and 29 palms. I've known him for ever and I'm psyched he's part of the record.

(photo: Nick Lopata)

"My work demonstrates the disaster inherent in the search for glamour" ... a particularly funny quote of Jack's.

Feb 9 , 2004 -- good weekend at Blowoff. D & D. The funny thing about Blowoff this weekend : Blowoff Saturday = Blowoff Sunday. Umm. A couple more years and I'll be a dirty old man.

I don't have a phone on the 2nd floor of my house . I'm not a morning guy and don't like the ring. Bill Holden put it like this: "If its important they'll call back."

feb 7, 2004 - 5:37 a.m.

I've had my ass kicked a couple of times in my 41 years. But for all the times I was knocked - words hurt more.

Words count. Death. Faggot. Nigger. Nazi. Constitution. Love. Marriage. Fidelity. Family. Honesty. Loss. Trust. Hate. Indifference. Commitment. Fight. Kiss. Aids. Hold. Me. You. Birth.

Yea, words count.

feb 6, 2004 --2:32 a.m. --There's a story on Blowoff in the Blade. Its funny that they write "Gay Dj's Morel and Mould". I think that since its a homo rag they should place the adjective"straight" in front of all the straight people and use nothing in front of the homos. Like this : "Straight President George Bush addressed members of the House and Senate including a drunk, but straight Senator Teddy Kennedy and Congressman Barney Frank from Massachusetts." How's that sound?

feb 5, 2004 --Yesterday I had a million loose ends to wrap up so I could head downtown to turn in the completed Morel record. Finally made it downtown.Hung with Ali- we messed a bit with doing a faster version of "Making Sense"- around 124 bpm - I'm going to bust it out . I'm a bit burnt in the studio, but sure- I'll put that on my list.

Lately I've accepted that I can't get everything done. It makes it easier to get into what I'm doing. Its funny the way that time just keeps moving regardless of my dead lines. Its has if everything has become slightly blurry because the days and weeks now fly by. My manager calls to rattle off a list of things I'm supposed to get together, send out - mix, finish, people to call etc. ...then on top of that I have all the day to day stuff that I never manage to get completely done. When I was working on finishing the mixes for the cd I kept thinking - God I'm slow. Am I ? Or is everything else moving at an unrealistic pace. I'm just making music. What's the hurry? I think now that we have so many modern things to make our day to day life easier we should accept that and take it easy. When I was a kid stores were closed on Sunday because of blue laws. I used to think they were puritan, religious based laws. Now I keep thinking it was stupid to change them. When you think about it why not have a day that you're options are limited to spending time with family and friends? How bad is that? In fact isn't that what I keep working to make time for?

feb 3, 2004 - 5:05 a.m.
Its easy to say that sex is just sex. As a man, my sex drive is no more than that. Its just sex. In a relationship its easy to put infidelity into this neat little- "I dropped my trousers and got head- it didn't mean any more than that" box. Here's the rub: the root of the sex drive is for connection. A moment of loss of self . Sometimes after you cum you want to bail -right away - sometimes you want to stay. But no matter the outcome I think the desire to bond with someone else is precisely what makes sex so sexy. Bad sex happens when there is no connection. That's why you have a “type”-- there's something about you're “type” that makes you believe that being with them will make everything all right- safe -whole- complete - if only for a few minutes. I've discovered that in addition to having a physical "type" - there is also a personality type that I find equally seductive. In fact the right personality is more attractive to me then someone who falls into my physical type ( a bad personality always kills a hard on). And here, my friend, lies the risk. When there is that type of connection- dropping trou is more then just head on the side. That's why in a relationship fidelity is a means to and not the end. Fidelity is a means to caring for and respecting someone more than yourself. That's why it counts. As a man -in a relationship - at times it seems impossible. And being a man I can't help thinking that sex is just sex.

In an age of reason - against superstition.

I've been mixing and got somewhat distracted .... Time for bed.

feb 2, 2004 ---9:45pm - still held up in the studio finishing the Morel record. I just got this email from a kid in Uruguay which makes it all worth while:

i´ve listened to you and your song "Cabaret" gives me so much energy like the sun
:) thanks u very much for bringing so much joy to our lives through our
ears! ( i like to listen Cabaret while riding my bike with my eyes closed right
to the sun)
kisses for everybody

Sometimes I get so caught up in it I forget that music has life and power beyond all of us. I want to ride with my eyes closed right to the sun. With kisses for everybody.

feb 2, 2004 - 3:50 a.m.

Great time at Blowoff last night. Bob posted a tight history of what we've been doing with Blowoff. Its been a fun time building this thing and working with Bob. Much thanks to the guys who help us on a regular basis - Marc and Shawn - and all the people who turn out even when its freezing. Blowoff is something I look forward to every week because the people are so easy to hang with - and the music is so good.

My buddy Paul fixed up my blog page. He sent me this newly laid out page in an email this morning. Super sweet -- thanks.

When I look around I realize I'm surrounded by good people.

jan 31 , 2004 - been mixing for the past 6 days -. Last night Gorelski stopped by to offer me some distraction. I was happy to see him. He's a funny guy because in my mind he is bigger than he is in person- I think it's because he projects a larger stature, a type of confidence. I like that about him. Its sexy. I played some of the new record and we talked about the usual- art-music-relationships-sex-. He liked the record.

Nick is funny- he's been my sounding board for the past week- (actually the past 10 years). When I play him mixes and songs his ideas and criticisms are dead on. The cool thing is that he never holds back. That's also what makes him a pain in the ass sometimes-

A quick example: When I wrote the song "Meantime" - I played it for him right after I finished. We had just seen "American Beauty" and I thought the song was kind of soft- and loose. Anyway, he said that it was tight just like it was; "don't change a thing Rich ". I knew he liked it because he asked me to play it 3 or 4 times in a row and didn't say a word.Then he said that it had to be on "Queen of the Highway". It was the only song he insisted on.

Blowoff tonight.

jan 30, 2004 - Had lunch with my mom and dad- they were passing through town. My dad is doing this Citizen Police Academy back in Massachusetts. He had a number of classes at the station to learn about different tasks performed by the department, including narcotic investigations, crime scene search, domestic violence, criminal investigations, evidence procedure, interview and interrogation, use of force, computer/internet crimes, and terrorism.They taught him cop procedure and routines. After the program he got to ride along with one of the cops on patrol. (I grew up in a Boston suburb which doesn't have much crime to speak of. My memories of the police include being pulled over - drunk and delighted - watching them dump out my just purchased dime bag - and asking me if I was sober enough to drive home. That was the 70's. A great time to be a kid) Anyway - On my dad's cop ride there was a stolen car chase - with helicopters , TV and all. This is rare where I grew up so he lucked out. Dad said they were going 90+ mph - and that the cop's driving was amazing. Eventually they blew out two of the suspects tires. The cops chased him on foot and got him in about 5 minutes. My dad said that the cops were in great shape. He was quick to point out that the gym at the station was paid for by donations- not tax dollars. I could tell he liked these guys.

jan 28, 2004 -3:00 p.m.- For the past couple of days my Mac and studio software have been running flawlessly--This morning for some reason- its been buggy and crashing. I'm all about technology because it enables me to do what I do- but I get pissed when it doesn't work. When I'm working on music and I have to shift gears and trouble shoot- it totally pulls me out from where I was. I'm not sure about all that right brain left brain stuff but I'm convinced that trouble shooting your computer and cranking up a mix are on opposite sides. Its sucks in the middle.

jan 28, 2004 -3:50 a.m. - The snow and cold weather has been great for making me get into mixing. I got a really tight mix of "Cheerful" - Its a long song- about 9 minutes- and it has 3 distinct parts . I decided to mix each part separately and then edit them together. The cool thing about doing it like that is I got an effect similar to "Good Vibrations" or "Strawberry Fields" - The sonics of each section are different and by editing them together I made the changes more dynamic. If you listen closely to "Good Vibrations" you can hear where the sections are spliced from different recordings. On the Beach Boy's Box Set they included a number of the original "Good Vibrations" sessions un-edited. Its great to get to hear the sessions separately- although the finished song is the deal.

Also working on a new mix of "If You Love Me" -its very warm sounding in this age of digital- I've been running my mixes through an outboard compressor which really fattens them up - makes them noisy and good. Its funny how much I get off on all this ... at 3:30 in the morning.

Bob's blog today is about where we are at in the music biz. Its something we talk about all the time. Bob articulated what it looks like from our perspective. Check it out.

jan 26, 2004 --

Snow day for Chief.

I had a dream that Bob had designed new pr cards for Blowoff - that were delivered to my house during the snow. In addition to the usual Blowoff info of time and date this was printed on the bottom: Love is beautiful when you're involved. In my dream it gave me a desire to get out and join the world. To get involved - sort of speak.

jan 24 , 2004 -- been working on the mix of "Cheerful". Its the first song on "Everyone's Second Language" and a bear to mix. I wrote the song a while ago -- about video chatting, sexuality - and loneliness. Years ago the first video chat program I used was called cuseeme - it was black and white, and when you entered a chat room you would see everybody's video feed in 8 different windows.. While it was sexy like a peep show, there was also a strange disconnect. Sometimes I would find myself wondering what was happening out side the camera's view. Was a wife upstairs? Was a boy friend passed out on the couch? When all you have is a view through a peep hole its hard to really know what is going on . Occasionally some sexed up girl would sign on - always young - and do whatever the guys told her to do.

CHEERFUL
Reasons to be cheerful
Playing in my head
T.V.’s got me lonely
Cable line is dead
Can you see me when I call you?
Can you hear me on the phone?
My sex is sad and lonely
My skin feels all alone.
This is how the world ends -
Not with a bang but with a wimper.
Just like every 19 year old- says she’s gonna be
She’ll turn for you
Watching color tv
Echo’s down the hall
The man next door has a ball
Says he’s lonely and it seems to me
That she’s always making love on the tv
She’s all dressed up in lonelyness
Making love on the tv
This is how the world ends -
Not with a bang but with a wimper.

jan 21, 2004 -- worked with Bob today in the studio on a Blowoff track . He had a dope down tempo track. I messed some with lyric ideas - but was a bit distracted. After Bob left my hard drive crashed -- its one of my main data drives which has most of what I'm working on-- After a lot of messing I was able to mount it on another machine and get the data---- The lesson?- Back up - I back up - but not as often as I should.

After last night's State of The Union I decided to give some money to Wes Clark. The cool thing about giving to a campaign is it makes it way more important to you. Its like gambling on a football game--It makes you feel part of it. I recommend giving to which ever candidate you are digging and making bets on football. I also recommend backing up your data.

jan 20, 2004 -2:30 a.m.-- Chief gets dinner. I love this guy. Check the movie.

jan 19, 2004-- Yesterday I went to the Apple store in VA to replace my power book. It bugged out on me. Afterwards I went over to Gorelski's house for a bit.

While driving around I was listening to cspan radio- which was covering the political race in Iowa. When ever the candidates are giving speeches they always quote lots of past presidents from Lincoln to Kennedy. I started thinking that none of our contemporary presidents have said much of anything worth quoting. GW is hard for me to understand- he pauses at odd points when speaking- and then seems to not be speaking in english. Clinton's most notable is "I did not have sexual relations..." . Bush Sr's was .-"Read my lips..." I was in a black out or really high for most of Reagan's run. Reagan did say something like -"Mr Gorbachoff tear down that wall" but its hard to quote dialogue while running for office. Nixon -"I am not a crook" - Anyway It seems to me that all of our potential leaders are like cover bands at a wedding. - They can play the game - but don't have much originality or inspiration. Maybe American politics has reached it's end - in the same way rock and roll is done- or jazz is done - or hip hop is done. - The machine is made so now it just runs.

jan 18 , 2004 --It was good to see a lot of the guys at Blowoff last night.
The ride home was fun. After I dropped Marc off it was about 4:30 am- not many folks out. The roads in rock creek park were slushy and frozen- so of course I did my best to make the caddy spin- Anti lock breaks are amazing. I scared some deer.

jan 17, 2004-- Blowoff in Charlottesville was loads of fun as usual.
Often fans of Bob will show up not knowing what to expect. They'll have an image of him based on themselves and how his music has been part of their lives. With this image they have expectations. The majority are thrilled and turned on by where he is and what he's into with Blowoff. They also have a grasp that it is 2004. Last night a couple of guys showed up completely confused. They were unable to find their hero in the dope ass house grooves and electronic music. Its funny to see this from the side lines. It also seems like the most punk rock thing to do to them.

jan 16, 2004 -- 4:20 a.m. - worked with Bob on a new Blowoff song called "man keeps winning" -- Its sounding dope. I'm looking forward to our gigs this weekend. Gorelski and Marc are coming to Charlottesville VA with us tomorrow night. Saturday night we're in DC.
My manager -Richard - called tonight to let me know that my label wants to release the new Morel record --"Everyone's Second Language" on May 4th - cool. The first single is going to be "If You Love Me" - I have to get the parts together for remixes. I'll post a bit of it here in the next week or so for those of you who are keeping up.
Just got off the phone with Desmond Williams -he's up late like me. He's got a track he wants me to check out. I did a version of "Teen Spirit" with him. Its sooo dubbed out - it works well. He actually used more echo than I do - if you can believe it. If you don't know - Desmond is the guy behind the Thievery Corporation's records. He's got a cool take on music and loves to talk. He also gets off on the idea that we are both Aries.

jan 15, 2004 -- 5:00 a.m. -- Gorelski came over tonight for a bit. We talked about pirates. He's got a bit of a pirate thing going on. I got a great history book back in college called "Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition" - I think I picked it up on title alone. There's a chapter called "Buccaneer Sexuality" -Once you think about it, it seems obvious that the pirates would be into it. Gives a whole new meaning to "It's a Pirate's life for me....."
My buddy David is having an exhibition which opens tonight in NYC. His work is beautiful.

jan 14 , 2004 -- was up late last night . Have two Blowoff gigs this weekend. Friday in Charlottesville - Saturday at the 9:30 club back bar in DC. Bob started a very cool blog. Its funny to see the evolution of the blog. I number of my friends have them plus I check out some of people I don't know at all. Some are political- some are sexual- some are both. The influence that blogs are having on each other is the cool part.
When I write here I sometimes catch myself editing it knowing who may read it. That in a sense breaks any sort of integrity- but at the same time makes it exactly what it is - a blog. In the same way a song can only be a song. For years I gave so much power to a song- but a song can never be any more or less then a song. What's the old expression-- "he did it for a song". I used to think that what man creates is bigger then man - but after this weekend I think it comes down to one simple thing. Kindness. What I mean is - that when we get near the end we want people around who love us and will help us because we have done the same for others. Its easy to forget this when I'm all stressed out about my work - or taxes- or my heater breaking on the coldest day of the year.

jan 10, 2004 -- 11:00 A.M. -- had to go get a prescription filled for my dad---OxyContin. That's the choice of many- most notably Rush Limbaugh- I laughed when I went to pick it up . My dad is actually in pain and needs it- the key is to keep them from my mom.

jan 8 - 2004 1:33 p.m. --I'm in the hospital waiting room with my mom. My dad has just gotten out of surgery. Doctor Cambell said that everything went as well as it could. They found an ulcer in his artery which while slowly bursting had caused him to loose half his vision in his right eye. They removed it. Now there's a lot of waiting until its safe for him to be put in a room.
It was tuff seeing my dad in the pre op room- He seemed fragile and vulnerable. My dad's a strong man. I've only seen him loose his footing a few times before.

jan 6, 2004 -5:20 A.M.- been tightening up the mix "cheerful" for the new record. Its a dense song. It has a lot of tracks - which makes the mix tricky - not to mention that its also about 9 minutes long. After I get the mix tight I'll do an edited version. The guys (Ali and Sharam) thought the original mix sounded a bit mashed, distorted and tight -- Which was what I liked about it from the start. Anyway - I figure I'll see where this mix goes - then we can decide which is better. The funny thing is that the tracks themselves are so noisy that even though the new mix has more clarity and depth- its not loosing any of the assaulting nature that I love about the original. Time for bed.

jan 4, 2004 - I can't remember the day when everything reminded me of something else. Today is all about that.

jan 3 - 2004 -- Ali called me from Milan- Italy - he was in some hole in the wall cafe and they were playing "Funny Car"- He held his cell phone up so I could hear it. It was funny. It made me feel good.

Been working in the studio - I want to finish a new mix of "Cheerful" this weekend. I'm going up to Boston next week because my old man is having surgery.

jan 1, - 2004 -- 11:00 p.m. -- A new year. I was just getting used to last year. Not sure what this one will be like. Things are a bit close to the bone right now - which is ok.

Been working on new things instead of doing the tweeking on the new morel record. Its hard for me to get into that. For a couple weeks I couldn't hear right. Sometimes music is off - things I know are wrong will sound all right. Its a drag when that happens.

I went to see the movie "Big Fish" with Nick the other night. I loved it-- I think it might be because of the stuff going on with my dad right now- but the movie really got to me. I had a good cry at the end. Plus Ewan McGregor is dope. Tim Burton must have a sweet soul.